Self Belief and External Validation

I do not have an art career. I'm almost certainly never going to have one. It will always be considered a "hobby" by many, many people. That is something (I thought) I came to terms with a long time ago.Turns out coming to terms with such a thing isn't a one and done, mourned and got over it situation. Over time, I allow myself to get drawn in again, and I think maybe this time it can happen. I don't expect to be rich and famous, but I do work that's important to me, and hope that others find meaning in it as well. In the past 5-7 years, that has become a more and more rare event. Some of that is due to trying other creative pursuits and some of that is because I basically stopped drawing. I still had ideas, but sketching them out, fleshing out the sketch, projecting the sketch onto paper and completing it became such an arduous process that eventually, I couldn't even get past the sketch stage. My skills atrophied, which just made finishing anything even more difficult and depressing.

I've started drawing again, along with trying to relearn color theory, trying to bring my drawing skills back up to par, working on being skilled with new mediums and, as ever,  wanting to sell my work. A little crumb of belief was working it's way back, and I began to believe that some semblance of a career was possible. 

I'll back up a bit. When I was younger, I did a drawing that I was SO proud of. When I showed it to my mother (who I love(d) dearly) she said it wasn't one of my best. I was crushed, and I have never forgotten it. Granted, I am quite sensitive, and like most artists, criticism about my artwork is painful to hear. 

After I finished art school, I had all the belief in the world that if I worked hard, and sent out enough feelers, I would eventually land a deal as a children's book illustrator. When they didn't pan out, I was sad, but was able to pick myself up relatively quickly. I focused on writing and illustrating my own children's book. I self published on Amazon for Kindle, and did as much promotion as I knew how to do at that time (in retrospect, it was nowhere near enough). The book failed miserably. I think to this day, I have sold  5-10 copies for which i earned about .10 each. When I asked a successful children's book illustrator that I was acquainted with what he thought the problem was, he told me my work wasn't good enough, that I wasn't "special" or "unique" enough. I received that news during lunch break at my full time job and ran to the restroom where I proceeded to sob hysterically for almost an hour. A co-worker told me that he was an idiot and questioned why I was taking his opinion to heart. It's a good question for which I had no real answer. 

Recently, I had a discussion with my husband about the possibility of quitting my job and doing art full time. It didn't go well. He wasn't as supportive as I hoped or expected. Of course, I realize that walking away from a full time job is completely reckless and irresponsible.There is additional context that I don't want to elaborate on right now. Suffice it to say, there is an actual reason I would basically be forced to do that. But again, I was devastated. 

These incidents (among many others) made me think about external validation; our need for it (social media likes and follows, even this blog post that will be seen by almost no one), and how it affects sensitive, creative people. It's hurtful when complete strangers don't like your work, but it's 100 times worse when it's someone whose opinion matters to you. But why? Why is our belief in ourselves, our skills, our  artwork, even our process so fragile? How can the opinions of a few people be so crushing? I envy those who can take in the criticism, learn from it and move on. I'm not there yet, but there's always tomorrow.